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The Caveman’s Axe-Head

It was during a school field trip, thirty years ago, that I discovered the prehistoric axe-head.  We were down amongst the boggy fauna of the river’s littoral, when something glinted in the sunlight and caught my eleven year old eye.

Of course, I realise now, had it really been an archaeological find of significance then no one would have allowed me to keep that weathered piece of flint.   But for years I would keep it under my pillow and dream of caveman heroically hunting woolly mammoths and snarling sabre toothed tigers.

Yet even now, as a responsible father of two, I still wake wide-eyed and breathless from those lucid dreams, grunting incomprehensibly at my startled wife.  And now, holding that flint in my hand, I can’t recall, for the life of me, if those blood-like smears were on it when I’d first unearthed it all those years ago.

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Inspired by word-of-the-day littoral

Food Heaven

Anthony Blakeworth-Jones had always enjoyed his food in life, so he thought it rather fitting that upon his death he should find himself in food heaven.  After all, the important events in life had been conducted over nosh: hiring, firing, hostile takeovers and, of course, countless torrid but highly enjoyable affairs.

Surveying the menu he noted every food and meal he had ever enjoyed in life was listed.

“Take your time, sir,” said the ghostly waiter.  “It’s all free.”

In the end Blakeworth-Jones plumped for a starter of ham hock terrine, followed by a main of a beef brisket pot roast and sautéed potatoes all washed down with a bottle of fine burgundy.

“What are the dessert choices?” Blakeworth-Jones asked swallowing the final piece of beef.

“This way sir.”

The waiter opened a door and nodded inside.  “An eternity of washing dishes, sir. Your just desserts, if I’m not mistaken.”

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Inspired by word-of-the-day nosh

Hotel Perdition

“We’ve been expecting you,” says the receptionist, as I check in at Hotel Perdition.

Taking the elevator up to the 6th floor, the bell-boy breaks off from whistling some Johnny Cash to ask, “Ex-wife?” 

I nod. 

“Bitches,” he sighs. “Can always tell.” 

Room 66 is small but clean, with a view of the factory below, its furnace spewing black choking ash up into the atmosphere. There’s a complimentary bottle of scotch beside the bed, which I dispatch immediately. For a moment, doubt kicks in and I search the bedside drawer for a bible but, unsurprisingly, there isn’t one. 

I take a deep breath, loosen my tie and open the window. Standing on the narrow ledge, black ash beckoning around me, the doubt surfaces again.  

The bell boy appears beside me. “Do you need a hand checking out, sir?” 

Next thing is I’m falling, headed directly for the furnace below.

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Inspired by word-of-the-day Perdition

Cutting Criticism

My criticism has always been described as cutting.  I can’t really help it; it’s just the way I am. 

So the girl I met that night in the club was always on to a loser from the outset.  She should have guessed by the way I sneered at her make-up.  She could have walked away when I said the clothes she wore made her look like a tart.  But she was drunk, so I smiled through gritted teeth and bought her another.  They always say the fat ones try harder. I just find with the drunk fat ones I don’t have to try at all.

So we’re back at mine, and I’m pulling out of her; my relief giving way to disgust. But she doesn’t notice; she’s not exactly conscious.

I take a steak knife and carve WHORE deep into her forehead.

Yes, my criticism has always been incisive.

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inspired by word of the day “Animadvert

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